Reconnecting

This past weekend, I had the most wonderful time ...


A very dear friend of mine suggested (back in November) that we attend the Northwest Yoga Conference near Seattle last weekend. We went running in the Chuckanut Trail System, donuts at LaFeen's, countless cups of coffee, and finally made our way to conference. The road tripping is always a ton of fun! Good tunes, great company, and the kind of conversation where no one else could fit a word in edgewise ;o)


I feel recharged, reconnected and completely renewed in so many ways! I learned so much, and am eager (probably too eager) to try out the many things that I learned. But more than the things I can teach to others, I found that place deep within me that resides as a continual student of the Universe. I felt a deep reconnection to the grandeur of my internal landscape, and felt relieved and blissful that it does indeed still reside in me.


I definitely experienced some awakenings ... there is a perpetual feeling of resistance that we all hold in different parts of our bodies. This is why I believe yoga is so darn good for a person. Practicing yoga helps us to access the sad, forgotten and disturbed parts of ourselves - and once we acknowledge those places, they become children who were only looking for someone to hear and see them. And in turn, we become children too, returning to that place of innocence that eternally resides in us. We return to a state of pure possibility. We return to faith. We return to Atman ~*the essence (within us) that is eternal, unchanging, and indistinguishable from the essence of the universe.


Rubbing shoulders with over 700 happy yogis does a lot for a lady. There were so many sweet people there, always with a kind word, a compliment, and a helpful nature. And I can't say enough about how well organized everything was.


The teachers presenting workshops were beautiful, experienced yogis who teach from the heart and you can feel their energy no matter where you are in the room of so many bodies. It takes a skilled and accomplished teacher to make 80 people feel "seen" during a 2 hour workshop. I am inspired. I am renewed. I am healed!



*from thefreedictionary.com

Brave Enough to Want to Know

The last two days have been incredibly busy. Meetings have kept me away from home during the dinner hour, which is normally something that would throw me off quite a bit. But somehow, I managed to keep myself feeling balanced and calm. It really was by just taking the day one event at a time, rather than constantly pulling myself out of the moment and into the next. I actually stayed present! It is definitely easier said than done some days, when we live such busy lives. And there is often pressure that if we are not actively proving how busy we are, we might not be able to use that to our advantage later on. Our egos play a huge part in making sure that we are distracted from the basic truths in life. The last thing that Ego wants is for you to start finding contentment. Ego tries to build up as many stories about itself in order to keep you sedated from discovering the potent truths of the Universe. Ego needs to feel relevant. Why are we built this way? I mean, perhaps that's all life is about is fighting off these stories, these built-up, imaginary demons of our inner lives. Why would you allow the Ego of yours to take over the natural state of peace that we are all born to have? This deep sense of connectedness is strangely present all the time., yet we allow ourselves to be so distracted by the drama, the money, the clothes ...

When I was younger, I always loved for things to be dramatic. I yearned for the staleness to come to life, to rise up from out of nowhere and to bring me up with it. I was quite depressed in my early twenties, and incredibly clueless about a lot of things. I had absolutely no direction, and would literally wander the streets wondering if anything was going to happen to me anytime soon. I think that when I graduated from high school I actually believed that someone was just going to come knocking on my door to take me away to Toronto, or California, or New York ... that they would offer me a ton of money to just get on a stage and be an actor. I gave up on all my dreams fairly quickly, but that was for so many reasons. I was looking for instant gratification. Which is why I stayed in my hometown, working at the donut shop and staying up late making poor choices. I see now that I had not set any goals at all for myself - I had NO real expectations, hopes or dreams. I didn't aim for anything for fear of failing miserably.

I ended up having an emotional meltdown, and had to take time off of work to reassess what was going on with me. My poor mother, she was probably just terribly worried about me. Shortly after this meltdown, I had gotten the idea in my mind to meditate. I began meditating every night before bed, and I started to feel different really quickly. Soon after that, I discovered Wicca. I began getting outside more often, getting in tune with the energies of the earth, and celebrating the seasons. I found a few like-minded souls to do circles with, and we found a beautiful spot beside the river to have a permanent circle. We visited this place a few times a week, performing ritual, talking about life, and enjoying the place. Nature was a soothing ointment to my problems, and I began to feel a healing taking place. Wicca gave me a sense of my own power to manifest things in my life. As a young adult I misused this power, but learned fairly quickly to use it only for my own inner work. It truly was a beautiful time, and I have never quite figured out what even led me to Wicca, but I do know that this connection to Nature never went away.

We are always building a foundation for the next phase of our lives, but there are times when the next phase doesn't manifest for many many years. This is why it is so important to keep bring yourself into the present moment, because you are always setting a precedent for the next thing. Ultimately, you are getting wiser with each and every phase of your life, and that is the goal, isn't it? To feel great about yourself and all your accomplishments is deeply important, and should never be underestimated, however it is ultimately about how you get there, and if you have the ability to relax into the moment and actually enjoy your life. It may sound cliché, but it truly is about the journey, and not the destination. There is no End to this. Yes, you will die at some point, and perhaps you view this as an End (which is your choice), but I see dying as another phase. And who's to say that there isn't another phase after death? How big does this picture get? And ... are you brave enough to want to know?

Obligation

Obligation. This is a word that has recently been clouding my personal atmosphere. It is disabling my connection to the Universe and buggering up my usual good judgement. There is nothing more frustrating than not being able to see what one is supposed to be doing.

I generally have a very good sense of my destiny, and often receive information from my life which guides me to exactly where I need to be. However, in light of the many changes and upsets in my dramatic life, I feel muddy in the head. I can't seem to make a guided decision. I can't seem to channel the wisdom that has so often comforted me in times like these. I suppose, however, that there have truly never been "times like these" for me. There is just so much going on.

Last night we held a circle in my dear friend's backyard. We nestled in amongst the trees, circling the fire, catching sights of the moon through the rich boughs of evergreens. It was there, in that sacred place that I was able to finally see what I had been doing to myself. I have been pushing through these stormy times, against the wind and rain, becoming battered and hurt by one little word: Obligation.

So, I decided to give back these "obligations" to the Universe. I said that I need them to be manifested differently. I clearly created the feelings, but when I didn't know how to change them, I simply allowed to Universe to absorb them. What a feeling of relief, I must say. I did not realize how much stuff I was holding on to. Fear. Hopelessness. Responsibility. Obligation. And it is so amazing that I created all of this for myself! And in such a short span of time.

But I feel cleansed this morning. "The morning is wiser than the evening" -  this Russian proverb comes back to me frequently, because it is so true to life. It sounds like something my mom has said to me before. Actually she has. But it really sounds like something that would come from her. My mom is a wise wise woman. I should take her advices more often, but she is not the type to offer advice in an inappropriate moment. She is so very patient that way, and that is something I hope to develop in myself. I admire her very much for how she holds back, compromises, waits patiently for the right time to say things. Sometimes the perfect moment doesn't arise at all. I don't know how she bears that kind of situation. Especially with three daughters!

The Full Moon is now beginning to wane already, and we will be working our way to the New ... I wonder what lessons the New Moon will hold? It is only two weeks away.