Thursday, January 15, 2015

Brave Enough to Want to Know

The last two days have been incredibly busy. Meetings have kept me away from home during the dinner hour, which is normally something that would throw me off quite a bit. But somehow, I managed to keep myself feeling balanced and calm. It really was by just taking the day one event at a time, rather than constantly pulling myself out of the moment and into the next. I actually stayed present! It is definitely easier said than done some days, when we live such busy lives. And there is often pressure that if we are not actively proving how busy we are, we might not be able to use that to our advantage later on. Our egos play a huge part in making sure that we are distracted from the basic truths in life. The last thing that Ego wants is for you to start finding contentment. Ego tries to build up as many stories about itself in order to keep you sedated from discovering the potent truths of the Universe. Ego needs to feel relevant. Why are we built this way? I mean, perhaps that's all life is about is fighting off these stories, these built-up, imaginary demons of our inner lives. Why would you allow the Ego of yours to take over the natural state of peace that we are all born to have? This deep sense of connectedness is strangely present all the time., yet we allow ourselves to be so distracted by the drama, the money, the clothes ...

When I was younger, I always loved for things to be dramatic. I yearned for the staleness to come to life, to rise up from out of nowhere and to bring me up with it. I was quite depressed in my early twenties, and incredibly clueless about a lot of things. I had absolutely no direction, and would literally wander the streets wondering if anything was going to happen to me anytime soon. I think that when I graduated from high school I actually believed that someone was just going to come knocking on my door to take me away to Toronto, or California, or New York ... that they would offer me a ton of money to just get on a stage and be an actor. I gave up on all my dreams fairly quickly, but that was for so many reasons. I was looking for instant gratification. Which is why I stayed in my hometown, working at the donut shop and staying up late making poor choices. I see now that I had not set any goals at all for myself - I had NO real expectations, hopes or dreams. I didn't aim for anything for fear of failing miserably.

I ended up having an emotional meltdown, and had to take time off of work to reassess what was going on with me. My poor mother, she was probably just terribly worried about me. Shortly after this meltdown, I had gotten the idea in my mind to meditate. I began meditating every night before bed, and I started to feel different really quickly. Soon after that, I discovered Wicca. I began getting outside more often, getting in tune with the energies of the earth, and celebrating the seasons. I found a few like-minded souls to do circles with, and we found a beautiful spot beside the river to have a permanent circle. We visited this place a few times a week, performing ritual, talking about life, and enjoying the place. Nature was a soothing ointment to my problems, and I began to feel a healing taking place. Wicca gave me a sense of my own power to manifest things in my life. As a young adult I misused this power, but learned fairly quickly to use it only for my own inner work. It truly was a beautiful time, and I have never quite figured out what even led me to Wicca, but I do know that this connection to Nature never went away.

We are always building a foundation for the next phase of our lives, but there are times when the next phase doesn't manifest for many many years. This is why it is so important to keep bring yourself into the present moment, because you are always setting a precedent for the next thing. Ultimately, you are getting wiser with each and every phase of your life, and that is the goal, isn't it? To feel great about yourself and all your accomplishments is deeply important, and should never be underestimated, however it is ultimately about how you get there, and if you have the ability to relax into the moment and actually enjoy your life. It may sound cliché, but it truly is about the journey, and not the destination. There is no End to this. Yes, you will die at some point, and perhaps you view this as an End (which is your choice), but I see dying as another phase. And who's to say that there isn't another phase after death? How big does this picture get? And ... are you brave enough to want to know?

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