Strength & Determination: It's Not What it Looks Like

~ "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." ~ Thich Nhat Hahn

This past weekend, I finished the Deception Pass 50 km event. Many of you know that this was not my first rodeo, but it didn't make it any easier ... read on to hear about it!

I feel so lucky to have this strong, healthy body that can carry me through so much adversity. I realize that it's not really luck, but rather it's my tenacity, my hard work, and the hushing of the naysaying voices in my mind. I kept running that day because I consciously chose to suffer - and to be okay with that. I knew deep within myself that in order to surpass what my old self might have done, I had to do what she never would have. In this case, that was to keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, repeating my mantra in my mind and trudging on. Through the mud and the rain, under and over downed trees, pushing against the strong, relentless winds of the day. I don't pretend to be a hero to anyone ... but I can tell you I sure am a hero to that little girl who never wanted to participate in sports because she knew she'd never be the fastest. For me now, as a grown woman, I see that there is so much more in giving something your all. I feel blessed to have had these insights into my own personality, and I see now what so many others saw in me. I suddenly see the big picture.


Suffering is something that we usually endure because it comes upon us in a sudden and unexpected way. But when we choose suffering willingly, we set out on a quest to uncover an answer: What is the difference between suffering and not suffering? When we are not suffering, does it instantly bestow the gift of happiness? Or can we be living a carefree life, without a worry, and still choose to suffer? Many people, when I tell them about ultrarunning, tell me I'm crazy for choosing such a sport. They tend to crack jokes about not being able to run for even a minute, or only running if something is chasing them. But this reaction tells me so much about the self worth of the person standing in front of me. This tells me that they are terrified of discomfort, of suffering, and of failure. But when you declare that you are setting a goal, small or large, it is a huge act of bravery. The actual event has very little to do with the declaration, because the first step on a journey like this is the toughest one. Once you begin conquering your training plan, you realize that al you have to do is run one day at a time. There is no good that can come of looking 3 weeks ahead in the training plan, unless you're trying to talk yourself out of doing it.


This mindset is what helped me to finish this challenging run over the weekend. I put one foot in front of the other (over 60,000 times, according to my sweet little fitbit!). I kept going when I felt like I could not, and I insisted on finishing. Any time a negative thought went through my mind, I immediately cast it out. There is no room for doubt in these kinds of situations. It sure helped that the scenery is so stunning at Deception Pass. I could spend a lot of time there, walking the beach, contemplating life, and searching for nature's treasures along the shore. For me there is an instant feeling of meditation when I am near the ocean shore, and I love nothing more than communing with the vastness of the Universe in places like these. During this run, there were definitely moments of this vastness, and I was able to draw energy from this place in my toughest moments.


There was a moment, when I was running back across the bridge, where the wind was gusting and large, cold raindrops were pelting me. I raised my arms in a V and ran across the bridge like this, like my own hero blazing a path for enlightment. I looked down into a tree and saw our family totem: a Bald Eagle. I started to laugh and smile, and just kept going. That symbol, that gift from the Universe gave me tremendous power and energy at that time. I felt so incredibly blessed to see that.


In hindsight the run feels like a flash in the pan, and perhaps that's why I kept going, because I knew that the pain & suffering were only temporary. And it was suffering that I chose. At the end of my run, I was so grateful to be finished, but I am also so incredibly filled to the brim with gratitude for where I am at. Thank you for giving me the strength to carry on when I thought I could no longer run. Thank you for such a strong mind that controls my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for a strong body that could physically carry me through such adversity. Thank you for a spirit that can sense energies and transmute them into fuel. Thank you Thank you Thank you ~ Whoever you are.

2014 Deception Pass 50 km Review!

Last year, I successfully completed my first 50 km run at Deception Pass. This year, I signed up for the same run with a goal to improve my time, as I had just squeezed in under the cutoff time of 8 hours last year. (See the link to that story here). This year, I desperately wanted to complete the run in 7 hours. I knew it was going to be a long shot to take a full hour off of my time, so I had that tiny bit of doubt in my mind, as self-preservation. The last thing you want to do is to be disappointed when you finish running 50 km's!! Because, no matter how long it takes to run it, there is a huge amount of satisfaction, awe and gratification.

Training was sort of rough, as it seemed that most of my runs were not exactly pleasant, but I focused on being consistent, and gave it my all each and every run. I meditate and visualize what I want every day, and I wrote in my journal several times:

50 km = 7 hrs 00 mins

 

Every time I ran by a 50km speed limit sign, I would manipulate it in my mind to say:

 

50

km 7 hr

 

So the physical training went in, the mindset was there, but I hadn't found that place within me - that indomitable spirit that cannot be subdued. I knew there was a beast inside me that was made to conquer, but I had just never found it.

A friend and I had made an appointment at a very cool metaphysical shop in Bellingham, called Wise Awakening. We wanted to try the Inner Dimensional Sound Chamber, because we both deeply recognize the power of Sound for healing. I have to say, I have had many different types of energy work done in my life - healing treatments, ceremonies, rituals, and initiations, but this was hands-down the most powerful treatment I have ever had. My two totems kept flashing in front of me - the Eagle and the Fox, and then from somewhere deep within me, a beautiful white Horse leaped out of my heart. I began to weep, and this thought was repeated over and over, "How could something so beautiful be trapped and pent up for so long?" I knew this horse was the beast inside that I had been searching for ... and would help me to dig deep during my big run.

Race Day:  I strongly believe in Animal Spirit Guides, but I have never truly felt connected spiritually while running. This day was a gift to me, and one that I will never forget. I had 3 animal spirits guiding me during the run - Eagle, Fox and Horse. I heard clearly in my mind that each animal had specific gifts to offer to me, that I could channel and tap into when the specific need was there.

I heard these thoughts in my mind at the beginning of the day:

Eagle has great strength, wisdom and discernment and will guide you as to what you need to do throughout the day. Listen to this totem, allow him to guide your way through the day, and if you are unsure of how to proceed, simply ask him for his advice.

Fox is perceptive and clever, and knows how to take advantage of an opportunity. She is fun loving, playful and bright. She knows how to pace herself, how to keep moving forward, and when to reach out and take risks. Call on her to help you recognize opportunities, and to help you take care of yourself first this day. She will keep you moving forward.

Horse has the tenacity and strength to bound forward, with speed and grace and power. Horse does not ever tire, but it is necessary to hold back the reins until the time is right. Eagle will tell you when to let go of the reins and surge forward.

I truly stayed in the zone for the entire run, referring back to these animals and their unique gifts. When doubt would creep into my mind, one of them would pop into my mind and give me the strength to carry on, to keep moving, and I would say in my mind "50 kilometres, 7 hours". At times I repeated this over and over like a mantra, occupying my mind with this strong statement.

When I finished the 7th lollipop, I knew I had just over 5 kilometres to go, but I also knew that this was the most difficult part of the run for me last year. So I pretended that I had just begun my day, and I unleashed the beautiful white horse in my heart ...

And I ran, I did not hike, those last 5 km's.

I let go of all the things I had been holding onto, physically, mentally and emotionally. I laid myself bare on the trail, and this year I did not cry when I gave the last of my strength, but instead I felt joy! I knew I was almost done, but I couldn't bear to look at my watch, so I pulled my sleeve tightly over it's face and fixed my gaze on the trail. I actually passed people on that last leg of the journey ... and when I saw Glenn Tachiyama, I actually smiled for the photos! It was just amazing.

And when I came out onto the beach and spotted the last small hill that would lead me to the parking lot and the finish line, I RAN! I gave every last ounce of effort and ran as fast as I could to the finish line, directly into the arms of the race director. I looked at the timer ... and saw my time:

7 hours 00 minutes 53 seconds

 

Funny enough, about an hour after I finished the run I made the connection that my bib # was 7 the entire time ...