I had another insight/epiphany/aha moment yesterday ... My husband and I were having a deep discussion about our future and where it's taking us. (All good things, I promise!) I realized that all my life I have struggled against the very things that I am good at, one of those things was becoming a mother and wife. I'm not sure what happened, and where it happened in my timeline, but I can assure you that for as long as I can remember I resisted the idea of being a devoted mother. I resisted the idea of putting my kids needs before my own, and for years I never even entertained the idea of being a married woman, let alone a stay-at-home mom. I had planted the idea in my mind that I was going to have a career before I ever got married or had kids. (IF I ever decide to participate in these things)
What I realized so profoundly is that I have been struggling against what has become a very deep, very connected part of my Soul's identity. Caring for others is something I have always been good at, and caring for those children born of my body, is a Beautiful opportunity as they look to me for answers - which they will do until the day we die.
I have always believed that we choose our lives, our parents, our siblings, and all of the many circumstances that we will encounter in our lifetimes. I asked myself the question: Why would you resist something that you set up for yourself? It is clearly your destiny to be a Mother first in these years, and there must be a reason why. You cannot fight it anymore Nicole. This is your Destiny.
My Mom always knew that I was destined to become a mother and a wife - someone who takes care of her family with grace and ease. She always knew I would be good at it, but she didn't dare tell me her thoughts until I was married with a baby on the way. Even then, deep inside, some part of me rebuffed this notion, and rejected the role of "homemaker". But my Mom was right, it is what I am good at, and I have finally realized that I've been fighting against my own self! I have been fighting as the person I formed myself to be as a young teenager - I have been pitting this "self" against the "self" of who I have become, and maybe even the "self" I have always been! Perhaps in some way I was fighting with the dead versions of myself, the ideals formed within me as coping mechanisms for things that were happening in my life that I could not control.
I know now that it is time to let go of the ways in which I have resisted my true calling, my true self, and time to embrace the most powerful gifts I have. The powers to Love, to Heal, to Care For, to Teach, to Listen. And I will continue to do what I am so good at, but I feel an even deeper sense of purpose, and even a freedom to envelop myself and my family in the gifts and wisdom I possess.
After all, I am raising two children for the next generation, and this is extremely important work.
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