Obligation. This is a word that has recently been clouding my personal atmosphere. It is disabling my connection to the Universe and buggering up my usual good judgement. There is nothing more frustrating than not being able to see what one is supposed to be doing.
I generally have a very good sense of my destiny, and often receive information from my life which guides me to exactly where I need to be. However, in light of the many changes and upsets in my dramatic life, I feel muddy in the head. I can't seem to make a guided decision. I can't seem to channel the wisdom that has so often comforted me in times like these. I suppose, however, that there have truly never been "times like these" for me. There is just so much going on.
Last night we held a circle in my dear friend's backyard. We nestled in amongst the trees, circling the fire, catching sights of the moon through the rich boughs of evergreens. It was there, in that sacred place that I was able to finally see what I had been doing to myself. I have been pushing through these stormy times, against the wind and rain, becoming battered and hurt by one little word: Obligation.
So, I decided to give back these "obligations" to the Universe. I said that I need them to be manifested differently. I clearly created the feelings, but when I didn't know how to change them, I simply allowed to Universe to absorb them. What a feeling of relief, I must say. I did not realize how much stuff I was holding on to. Fear. Hopelessness. Responsibility. Obligation. And it is so amazing that I created all of this for myself! And in such a short span of time.
But I feel cleansed this morning. "The morning is wiser than the evening" - this Russian proverb comes back to me frequently, because it is so true to life. It sounds like something my mom has said to me before. Actually she has. But it really sounds like something that would come from her. My mom is a wise wise woman. I should take her advices more often, but she is not the type to offer advice in an inappropriate moment. She is so very patient that way, and that is something I hope to develop in myself. I admire her very much for how she holds back, compromises, waits patiently for the right time to say things. Sometimes the perfect moment doesn't arise at all. I don't know how she bears that kind of situation. Especially with three daughters!
The Full Moon is now beginning to wane already, and we will be working our way to the New ... I wonder what lessons the New Moon will hold? It is only two weeks away.