Friday, May 15, 2015

From Year to Year

The date is drawing nearer every day, and I find myself absolutely astounded at how quickly this year has gone by. This time last year, my Mom was starting to get sicker. I cannot remember the exact dates, but it was certainly in May when she started using oxygen, and her freedom and health began to slip out of her fingers. Driving, walking, yoga, cooking ... I am still taken aback at how graceful she was with every transition, every turn in the road, everything that she was losing started to mean less to her. She didn't really resist much, except maybe driving. She always drove, especially in Spring, because Dad would get too distracted by the flourish of the season. It was a running joke in our family about how funny Dad got in Spring!

She was not afraid to die. Her fearlessness is what helped us all deal with her imminent passing. I remember how surprised I was after she passed to look in her Bible and see the handwritten notes - her own reflections of the book. Isn't it amazing how Big each person's own personal world is? We can never know what a person is truly made up of, and we can never know how they felt in their own headspace as they gathered experiences. I know my own world is grandiose and that there are stories inside of me that I have both heard and created. There are small events that occurred in my life that I can never forget, and the are often brought to my attention by everyday triggers, such as brushing my teeth or washing the dishes by hand. There are things no one will ever know about me - not because they are big secrets, but only because they are habitual, recurring thoughts now. Just a background story running around my mind.

I am certain that my Mother had that too.

I have believed, for some time, that we create our lives before we live them. That we sit in the vast, unending energetic space of the Universe to figure out what we need to learn and experience in our next human existence. We choose our Mother & Father, siblings and other childhood influences based on what they can teach us. We effectively make agreements with these beings that they will serve a specific purpose to aid in our lessons and realizations. I will admit that this theory was challenging to stand by when I first learned that Mom had cancer. But now that she's been gone almost a year, and I have experienced all that I have in that short time, it has only confirmed my beliefs.

So, a lot can change in a year. Including people. And including me. In my Mom's death, she gave so much to me that she never could have if she had lived. There are words to describe the many ways that I have felt her presence since she passed, but way too many for my short morning blog here. Perhaps I can place snippets of my thoughts on this blog, and harvest all of this later as a compilation on death and life. But for now, it is on with my Friday. If you have lost someone, perhaps you have experienced similar things as I have. If you want to share, please leave me a comment or send me a message. Love & Light to you ~ Nicole

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