When I was younger, I always wanted to know what was in my future. What was going to happen in two months, six months, a year or more? Wanting to know things earlier than I was supposed to was a huge draw for me, and I'm sure I did it because I wanted to feel like I was in control of my life. But I can see now that there is a big picture in life that I was missing completely. There is a serious process to each stage in life, and as I look back, I kind of laugh when I realize how perfectly my life events were engineered. It was like I was purposefully directed towards the things that would bring me the most success - both in love, and in career.
I look back on my twenties quite often, and will never forget the profound loneliness I felt for a few years. I was living in Sechelt on the Sunshine Coast, and had the luxury of being near the ocean, of mild weather, and of the closeness to my parents if I ever started to feel homesick. But you can't go home every weekend when you've got to take a ferry and a two buses. It doesn't work as well. At the time, I was also working a job where I was verbally abused a little bit. My older self would have walked out the door on the first day. But I had to go through a process in order to realize that I felt really bad working there! It took a LOT for me to leave, but I'll never forget the day that I did.
It was just another day serving in the restaurant, and yet again was being called down by one of the owners. They had a very sarcastic, mean and deprecating way of speaking to their staff. They had a sneaky way of using the language of energy to excuse themselves from any responsibility by being self-deprecating as well. I see now the low self-esteem and possibly self-loathing that these unfortunate souls must have suffered from. So sad. But for me, whatever it was that was said that day set me off. I walked into the bathroom and had my fists clenched hard, my face was beet red and I wanted to scream! I tried to breathe and to calm down a little bit, but I couldn't. I looked at myself in the mirror, and saw a fierceness there, and I said to myself "Is it really worth it?" I answered myself with a no. I gave myself another look in the eyes and realized that I could just leave and never look back. So I did. I went out front, grabbed my little cash box, and walked out the door. It felt so good to have that kind of control over my life, and it made me realize on a very deep level that I always have a choice. It was something I never forgot.
All that frustration, loneliness and sadness helped me see that I really didn't want to be alone. It made me realize as well that I wanted to be around people who loved me and who would never hurt me. It helped me to dump the toxic people from my life, and then I realized that I could move to Vancouver - hey, why not? It was also around this time that my new relationship was deepening quickly - I was falling in love. I am still with that man today, and love him more with every moment that goes by.
I rreally don't need to know the future anymore. I have found such contentment in living my life phase by phase, and I would not take the opportunity to know what is going to happen next because I Love Surprises!
Post a Comment