I always find it frustrating and fascinating to see how quickly my world becomes chaotic when I am thrown off of my routine. I know that I have a busy life. I also know that I enable my children to have busy lives. But this busyness of ours is what makes us feel alive, balanced and healthy. Not being able to fit my runs in this week, on account of Spring Break, is showing me why it has been so important for me to squeeze those runs into a normal week. I know that not everyone understands. But running helps me to shake off the excess energy that I have ... without that outlet, there is nowhere for that energy to go. Inevitably, that energy is funneled into unhealthy avenues, like overeating and unnecessary worrying.
It is an emotionally charged time for me right now. Lately, I have been experiencing old dynamics surfacing, even though most of those dynamics changed a long time ago. I became an adult and that transition seemed to obliterate old patterns and habits, but my reasons for reverting are almost to be expected in this turbulent time.
There are some big events that occur in one's life that cannot be avoided, and will shape the basis for any and all decisions you will make for the rest of your life. I know that this thing that is happening will ultimately serve a higher purpose, but I feel such a clash between what I know to be deeply true, and what I feel in my heart.
Some people talk about non-duality. It is the idea that everything is ultimately the same, whether it is commonly perceived to be "good" or "bad". From nonduality.org: "You can only feel this dissatisfaction because part of you knows there is a place of freedom. That freedom is the experience of nonduality." Check out this website for more info: http://nonduality.org/what-is-nonduality/
It would be a lifelong journey to discover the true meaning of non-duality, and one that I may pursue in my own lifetime. Reading the quote above makes me think that I have actually experienced non-duality before, and it is a place I would like to visit more often. It does not mean that a person is cold or unfeeling, or impartial or detached from her circumstances. I wonder if there I a way to fully participate in all aspects of living a normal life, while also exploring these amazing concepts of reality? Maybe it is something that can help me to bridge the myriad of emotions I am experiencing. It is certainly worth a try!